Sometimes I have a hard time believing the crap that the beauty industry tries to convince us to buy. The other day while scrolling through my Instagram feed, I came across a promo shot of a product that made me roll my eyes so hard that I felt compelled to make this post. I let out an audible “c’mon son!” when I saw the price tag, promises, and list of comments from people eager to shell out their hard-earned cash for a product that was pretty well guaranteed to disappoint. Don’t get me wrong, I love makeup and skin care products and I’ve certainly given in to the hype in my time (I’m looking at you Urban Decay Naked Heat palette), but the products I’m going to list today are next-level silly. If you have oodles of money burning a hole in your pocket and these are your favourite things, that’s cool. You do you. But for the rest of you, I invite you to peruse this list and think about what you’re really getting the next time you pick up a hyped or expensive product. Drumroll please……
1. TOO FACED GLOW JOB GLITTER PEEL OFF MASK ($42 USD)
We might as well kick it off with the product responsible for this post. The promo shots of this POS product made my blood boil. First of all, let me start by saying that too-faced and I have a love/hate relationship. They make some products that I enjoy (the hangover primer and their love flush blushes are great) but, as a brand overall, I find them really cutesy and targeted toward a much younger demographic. That’s fine until you feel the need to name your products after sexual innuendos. Glow job? Seriously? GTFO of here with that garbage. This peel-off glitter mask promises to remove dull skin and give you a radiant glow. It’s apparently infused with real gold for ‘the most luxurious glitter experienc ever’ (barf). I don’t know where all those skin brightening ingredients are hiding (my guess would be way at the bottom of the ingredients list if they even exist), but the third ingredient is Alcohol Denat. which is terrible for your skin. It’ll exfoliate the top layers all right, but not in a way that is good or healthy for your skin. This garbage product is for self-indulgent Instagram selfies only. Thanks, but no thanks. I give this all the thumbs down,
2. EVIAN FACIAL SPRAY ($19 CAD)
Ok, I’m picking on Evian a little here because they’re not the only company that makes this, but you are literally paying almost $20 for A SPRAY CAN OF WATER. The ingredients are actually water and nitrogen (which is the propellant). Please do yourself a favour and get a spray bottle from the dollar store, fill it with water, and go to town. Hell, you can even fill it with Evian bottled water and I still saved you $17.
3. FAT GIRL SLIM CELLULITE CREAM ($46.21 CAD)
Again, I’m picking on one brand in particular, but all cellulite creams are basically garbage. You can’t lotion cellulite away. It’s genetic and can be influenced by your weight but it has everything to do with connective tissue and fat cells and nothing to do with how hydrated your skin is. Yes, caffeine may have a mild short-term effect on the appearance of it, but your best bet is to just accept it and get over it. Aside from making promises it can’t keep, what really irks me about this product is the name. FAT GIRL SLIM?! ARE YOU KIDDING ME? I see that they’re slowly rebranding to ‘fab girl slim’, but it’s not any better. Even more hilarious (I have to laugh so I don’t cry) is the brand’s claim that they just want you to be confident, well, and joyful! But only if you’re slim? I don’t get it. Don’t give these people your money. They prey on the insecurities of women. Flip them the bird and invite them to check out your cellulite as you walk away.
4. LOUBOUTIN ‘LOUBILACQUE’ ($115 CAD)
This is a lip lacquer that costs over $100. OVER ONE HUNDRED DOLLARS. I don’t care if this was created by Zeus himself, there is no way it’s worth that pricetag. Unless it’s going to wake me up in the morning with coffeee and breakfast in bed, dress me, and put on a flawless face I’m not buying it. The packaging is beautiful, I’ll give it that, but I’m not wearing the packaging on my lips. This is simply a status item for the very wealthy. Hard pass.
5. SILISPONGE ($10 USD)
This is the cheapest item on the list, but price is not the issue here. The idea behind the silisponge is that it won’t absorb any of your foundation the way a traditional sponge will. Bonus for you, no wasted product! It also claims to be more hygenic because it won’t harbour bacteria and is easy to disinfect. The only downside is IT’S TERRIBLE AT APPLYING MAKEUP. You’re basically rubbing foundation all over your face with one of those old school bra inserts. It moves the product around but can’t press it into the skin or give you the same flawless finish as a sponge or a brush. Plus, sometimes that extra product gets absorbed because you have too much product on your face. Do yourself a favour and skip this trend.
So there you have it. If you love any of the products above and I’ve hurt your feelings, please don’t get your panties in a knot. We’re all entitled to our own opinions and I’m sure there are a lot of things that I love and you hate. Feel free to share the products on your bullshit beauty list in the comments below!